12.10.2011

Happy December

Had my first moms' night out meeting tonight at my place.  Our basement flooded last April just as we moved in, and we finally were able to get it refinished about a month ago thanks to hubby's parents.  They are handy folk, much more than John and I.

I should be in bed; I can hardly stay awake.  But I just needed some time to myself, and I have this perfectly lovely spot in the basement.  It's delicious time to myself that I want to relish.  Relish is too strong a word right now; I just want to chill.

Being part of the moms' group has been great for me in some ways.  I've met a few moms that I really connect with, and I've formed a pretty tight bond with one of them.  Our sons are similar in age.  Once she joined, I sent her an email saying we should plan a playdate, and she responded.  We had similar pregnancies, similar births and similar recoveries.  We also now have similar hair styles.  She's such a bright chick.  I will always have a hard time saying lady when referring to people my own age.  It's for older people.  My people will always be chicks.  But I digress.

Sometimes I feel like an epic fail.  I have a job now that I enjoy quite a bit, but the day is coming when much will be expected from me.  In 2009, we gave an award to former President Carter and his wife.  It drew 7,000 people, which was awesome, but next year it will be my turn to get everything ready and finalized and sometimes it's a lot to chew.

I feel like a bad mom.  My greatest fear is dying and leaving Luca.  Hubby will be fine without me, and Luca will be fine, but to not see him grow up, to not share in his life just brings me to pieces.  And I see it so often, that flicker of life that has gone out before the wick is all used up.  Someone I watched on TV committed suicide a couple of weeks ago, and it stunned me.  Never in a million years would I have thought this happy guy was not so.  He left behind a daughter who is not yet old enough to read.  That stings my heart.  I can understand pain, but not that much pain where leaving your family is easier than working through it.  I hope to never be in that dark place.

My audition for Suzuki was accepted, so now I'll be taking a class to be certified to teach book 1.  I'm pretty excited.

Must leave a legacy.  What should I create that will hopefully last longer than me?